Cheaters Never Win ... Unless They are the New England Patriots.

I have had it! I am totally disgusted with the New England Patriots. I don't care how many of you are fans of the Pats or if this will affect our relationship. You need to know that I am pissed. Paaa-hissssed.

The Pats have now jumped up my list of "I hate thems" up to the very top. They are my MOST hated team in the NFL. Let me repeat that because I am not sure if you understand me: I now hate the New England Patriots more than I hate the Dallas Cowboys. I am going against 75 years of Philadelphia tradition and vengeance to disregard the Cowboys for the Pats, but a lot of Eagles fans are switching. This started after Super Bowl IXL, and it's finally topped off. And here is why (don't think you weren't going to hear ALL about it):

In pro sports, 2007 was the year that cheaters got caught red-handed. In the NFL, the Patriots got busted using hidden cameras to intercept opponents play calls. Baseball players were accused of dealing with shady laboratories to acquire human growth hormone. These were not chance encounters with dishonesty. It wasn't like a marathon runner seeing the subway car and deciding, "Forget it, might be nice to win for once. " These were intricately wrought conspiracies orchestrated by powerful men using high tech equipment. The sort of schemes we count on James Bond to foil in a hail of glass shattering machine gun fire. Except for one thing: James Bond (i.e. Commissioner Rodger Godell) didn't catch these guys, at least not enough to make a difference. The bad guys won. Like, a lot.

I view the Patriots as the worst of the worst. Watching the Patriots season unfold was like watching a bad action movie where the villain is so over-the-top evil that it starts to become distracting. Of course, in the movies, this is all to make the ending, where he's impaled on the Washington Monument, all the more satisfying. For the Patriots, that moment never came in '07. And I prayed that it would. Like, a lot.

Bill Belichick started the season like he always does, smugly addressing questions from the media like a Bond villain condescendingly dismissing his henchmen's concerns. Patriot's golden boy Tom Brady started the year by leaving his pregnant girlfriend for a Brazilian supermodel. Then the team got caught video taping opponents play calls, presumably using the super satellite on the secret death laser they have orbiting Earth.

It was around this time that the Patriots started beating the living crap out of every single opponent they faced. And where was Belichick? He was continuing to smugly dismiss questions about why he was still throwing for the end zone in the fourth quarter of a three touchdown game. A quote like "if he dies, he dies" wouldn't have felt out of place in most of his press conferences or putting his pinky in his mouth asking for "One Million Dollars!"

As a side note, I should mention that the Eagles came the closest to beating the Patriots. We set it up. We (yes, I am including myself because my heart is on that field every Sunday and sometimes Mondays and Thursdays) showed the rest of the league how to finally do it - to beat the Pats. And we couldn't close the deal because of the inaccurate and choking A.J. Feely, who is on my list, too, just not as high. I still have a lot of residual anger from this game. I blame the Ravens, Steelers, and the Giants for the rest.

Sure, it could be argued that the Pats have been able to make their record-breaking undefeated run without cheating, and that this somehow proves something. But it could also be argued that the Patriots' ridiculous win margin, and their supporters' "everybody does it" defense of their play stealing, are probably the two most compelling reasons why, after this season, when a little league coach tells his team that "cheaters never win" he will be greeted by a bunch of tiny high-pitched coughs of "Yeahhhh, right!"

And now, Belichick has been named AP's Coach of the Year! COACH OF THE YEAR?? You have got to be kidding me!?! Why don't we just give him a Medal of Honor and a parade? Oh wait, I am sure that Bostonians will do that anyway. But don't expect him to be glad-handing any of the fans, especially if Eric Mangini is in the crowd.

Good work, Pats. You've made me ashamed to be a fan of the NFL, but still not enough to stoop to being a fan of baseball. In the words of my friend Bob, a fierce Steelers fan: "If it comes down to the Pats and the Cowboys in the Super Bowl, I am rooting for Al Qaida."