NO! I AM NOT GOING TO JOIN FACEBOOK! LEAVE ME ALONE!

It has become apparent recently that I was going to be forced to do this. I knew that the day was coming where I would have to explain FINALLY to ALL of you, at the same time and with hope-crushing clarity, that I WILL NOT BE JOINING FACEBOOK. EVER. That time has come.

I am not joining to see your photos. Just send them to me. You used to before. I am not joining to meet up with old friends or find new ones. I am not even joining for those of you who quit blogging, but can spend hours updating your Facebook profile (Ahem, Sam). I am not joining, I'm not, I'm not, I'M NOT! I have four arguments against joining Facebook and they go a little something like this:

1) Despite the temper tantrum in the previous paragraph, I am not 13 years old. I don't need your cliques.

2) I don't need some computer program, which by the way, tracks every little thing you do or say on your whole computer, no matter the site - even long after you cancel your Facebook profile, to remind me that I have friends, count the friends I have, or worse, allow people to see my business by the stupid things my friends would post on my 'wall' or whatever. It's bad enough I let most of you comment on the blog. Plus, I just don't have the energy to keep up with the constant like/dislike/dating status/interests/wall posting/blah blah blah that goes with it. Blogging is different. This is my world. This is my rant. You people just visit when you feel like it. And that's just fine by me.

3) I do not want random people contacting me. Remember that kid from 4th grade that sat next to me - Stephen something? The one that had such a massive crush on me, he tried to steal my Trapper Keeper? Yeah, I don't want him finding me. Several people from my long lost past have contacted me through the blog and I have been thrilled to hear from them and we've started talking again. Yippeee! But I don't want people finding me instantly. I didn't use my name in the blog address or title, I never even use my name in my posts. I don't talk about details of my work or where I live, so it's not obvious. Yes, I admit, that with a little bit of effort, someone can find me. But the person who puts in that effort is more likely to be someone I WANT to talk to vs. someone who clicks on a link to my elementary school and BLAMMO! there I am. No thanks, Stephen.

4) I see Facebook as the 2008 version of '1984'. All of you are caught up in this Big Brother of the Internet Age. They know everything you do and type and what they don't yet know, you are willingly forking over for everyone to see. For a country that is screaming about privacy rights and information protection, we sure do our damnedest to blab everything to everyone. Hayley should give you all a stern lecture about Internet safety. But then again, this is also the girl that had to join MySpace for her job, reconnected with a guy from 7th grade and now they've been together for like two years and will probably get married next year. So her lectures might be a little weak now.

Even if the LDS Church did buy Facebook and it became the 11th Commandment to join, I still wouldn't. It's not just a matter of annoyance anymore. Now, it's a matter of principle and I don't care that I am alone in it. One of us has to stay sane in during this interweb frenzy that you people are caught up in. Yes, it might be a little Dale Gribble of me, but you people are going to have to learn to deal with the fact that I am NEVER joining Facebook. Ever. EVER.

The End.