For those about to Rock, Wii salute you.

If there is one thing that I have learned about myself in the past 31 years, it is that I am born to rock...at least in the digital world. For the past month, I have been obsessed with getting Rock Band 2 for my newly acquired Wii. I pretend to play the guitar or the drums with every song that comes on my ipod. I CANNOT wait! Nintendo or the MTv jerks or whoever is responsible for slowly torturing me with the delayed release dates are not yet sure when the pre-ordered key to stardom will arrive on my doorstep.

In the meantime, I have spent countless hours (actually, it does count hours for you, but I refuse to look at the number) practicing on American Idol Karaoke Revolution, by myself, to work on my pitch. Or with friends, who think they are are just having fun. Little do they realize that I am conducting subterfuge auditions. As such, I am spending an inordinate amount of time gathering together my band. If you are interested in joining, please read the following:

Do you interview yourself while walking around? Does the imaginary hip, young writer for the Village Voice use phrases like "reminiscent of a young David Bowie or Chrissie Hynde" and "oozing with charisma" when pretend describing you? Have you ever tried to rock a long scarf and aviator sunglasses indoors at night? Do you assume that people who don't like you are "just jealous"? Do you always manage to look good in pictures, mostly by hanging around with people who are at least a few degrees less attractive than you? If so, then you are in the running to be my SINGER. Well, actually, I'm getting your hopes up here. I already have a singer, Courtney. She gets first dibs mostly because our duet of Nelson's "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" (see photo) totally rocks the house. Plus she has the hair and does interview herself. She'll be a great front woman.

Are you really good at stopping fights between your friends by saying things like, "Come on, you guys are like family, let's just play already!"? Do you spend a lot of time arguing about which legendary mainstream bands are overrated and which obscure '90s grunge bands are underrated? Are you always the one who ends up holding your friends' hair back while they barf and saying calming things like, "Don't even worry about it, no one even noticed that you were out of tune for the entire show"? Do you like brooding quietly and gently correcting people's use of the word "subterfuge"? If so, then you could be my BASSIST. Truth be told, I am not entirely sure I need a bassist. I mean, look at the White Stripes. But, if you can also come up with a good name for the band, I'll let you in.

Have you slept on friends' couches for more than 5 nights this year because you keep getting booted out of the last place? Are you one hundred percent positive that the rest of the band could not possibly survive without you? Do you "not know what the big deal is" about wearing shorts on stage? Do you do that annoying slapping-your-thighs-along-to-songs- in-the-backseat-of-your-friend's-car thing? Do you own towels used for the express purpose of mopping up sweat? If so, then you could be my DRUMMER. But don't bother playing drums unless you have the energy of a Coked-up (That's Coca) five year old in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

Of course, I am the GUITARIST because I'm convinced that it's "supposed to be about fun." I'm perpetually 35 minutes late to everything because I am a really busy person with a life and nobody seems to understand that. And I feel that Led Zeppelin could've been successful with any singer but that without Jimmy Page, they would've been nothing. I am also not even remotely interested in writing lyrics. That's Court's job.

If you're interested in auditioning, you know where to reach me. Please also send video of your audition if you live more than 15 miles away. Heaven knows I won't travel farther than that.