Like watching yourself drown

I HATE IT (note use of capitals, bold and italics) when you can see yourself doing something or saying something or even becoming something that is not what you want and you are helpless to fight against it. I hate that it happens in slow motion even and you are completely aware of and kicking yourself for every single, painful, moment with thoughts like: "Oh, yes, here I am saying this thing out loud in front of someone who shouldn't have heard it." Doh! "Oh yes, here I am behaving like a 12 year-old whiner instead of a thirty-something adult." Crud! "Oh yes, here I am, in bondage, as I have sold my soul to a corporate behemoth." Blerg! It's like watching yourself drown.

Bear with me, we're now going to take a corresponding rant field trip. I would like you to read an article that perfectly displays what I am talking about. Everyone hold your buddy's hand, right click on this link and open it in a new window. Read it and return here to continue the rant. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23595533/?GT1=43001

Welcome back. Ok, now having read the article, don't you think that at some point over the past two years, this woman (or her boyfriend for crying out loud) would have thought: "Hey, maybe this thing has taken a turn for the worse and I don't like where this is headed."?? Shouldn't they have thought that?? Even if one or the both of them did think that, she just kept on sitting there and he just kept on letting her. Two years later, she is being surgically removed from the toilet seat.

So my point to all of this: I am starting to buy into the corporate kool-aid and I HATE it. Six months ago, I started my new job. I somehow feel like I should mark the months with a razor blade slices in my upper arm, like marks on a jail cell wall used to mark the days spent doing hard time…A little dramatic maybe, but I have nothing if not flair. :)

I've never really liked it my job, and especially hated the culture of corporate life vs. government life. I would rather have worked 11 hours a day at my old job for a lower salary and ate lunch at my desk than work 9 hours a day for a higher salary, an hour lunch away from my desk and overtime pay at my current job. And it had EVERYTHING to do with the culture. The people are cordial enough (although the higher-ups are prima donnas), the work is lighter, but I hated the environment. It's the stereotypical beige cube farm bureaucracy. And it's depressing. There's no passion, no grandeur of ideas, no sense that we were working for something greater than ourselves, no 'hometown service', no fun. I miss all of that desperately. But lately, I have started to come around to the idea that corporate life isn't so bad. And it makes me super sad to see myself becoming accustomed to this…watching myself drown.

I joined this particular company because I knew that it was the right decision at the time, and despite my complaining, I still think that I did make the right choice. It is a good company, they try to treat people right. I just don't like my JOB. It's cold, impersonal and I am not fully invested (to quote the BYU football team's motto for last year.) The hardest thing is I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I am me. And I can't tell if that means that I defined myself too much by my previous job (a VERY real possibility) or I am just genuinely unhappy.

So, I am throwing this out there: Any advice? Thoughts? This is really to benefit you people, too…Eventually, I will be happier and less whiney (you can only hope, right?)

P.S. Toilet lady Mini-rant: The sheriff's name is WHIPPLE? Seriously? Sherriff Whipple is dealing with this woman who has to be surgically removed from a toilet and MSNBC has made no "Charmin" toilet paper references? Nobody remembers THE longest running product spokesman in advertising history? "Mr.Whipple," a fictional grocery store manager who told customers, "Don't squeeze the Charmin," was the best known product spokesperson ever. In the 70s he was voted the most recognized face in America. The possibilities for snarky humor with Sherriff Whipple and this woman seem endless. I am disappointed in MSNBC's writers. I should check Slate.com.