Jasper, The Rat King

A few weeks ago, while watching "The Holiday" with my BFF Hayley, I stumbled upon a shocking revelation that was eye-opening, but still hurt to hear: I have a 'Jasper' in my life. (I know I shouldn't be taking life-altering ques from movies with Jack Black in them, but I have, so whatever.)

'Jasper' is the kind of guy (or girl) that is charming, addictive, sweet, manipulative and emotionally draining all at the same time. Mostly because this is the kind of person who does what he (or she) does and says what he (or she) says for purely selfish and self-satisfying reasons, practically incapable of thinking outside of themselves. So why bother? Because there are usually, at painfully spaced intervals, small glimmers of decency and caring. A nice word or two. An unexpected present, or even, heaven help us, promises of change.

Iris, Kate Winslet's character in the movie, says this about 'Jaspers' and why people still care about them:

Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.

Here is what we're (and by 'we', I mean 'me and Iris') are starting to get: There is no such thing as mutal care or concern in the relationship; it's all about them. And their world, as grand as they think it is, isn't big enough to share with someone else. Even when they sound kind and good, it's really a demented trick so you'll do what they want, like a twisted puppet master. These 'Jaspers' are like sugar-coated arsenic and I am getting rid of mine.

Because, even after realizing I had a 'Jasper' and my friends (even my guy friends!) all saying "DUH!" when I told them of the revelation a few weeks ago, I let my guard down. AGAIN. It's Christmas, I was spending it alone and I was weak. And he knew it. He always knows.

Tonight was the 2,349,579,375 time 'Jasper' disappointed me with lies and false promises; lifting me up only to get pushed down again. And again and again. I even saw it coming. I told people this would happen and it did. And, in case you can't tell, I am furious with myself for hoping it wouldn't.

I can't even begin to explain how frustrating and upsetting this is for me. It makes me sad and unhappy to have someone in my life that is hellbent on hurting me only because I managed to stumble close enough to get caught in his radar. I don't even like him! Yet my emotions are all wrapped up with him and I can't get out.

Minutes after this latest incident, I continued watching "30 Rock, Season 1" (which I have been watching relentlessly while I have also been sitting home alone for the past week), when the next few minutes of the episode hit me with another revelation (no, not that I should quit watching TV), but Alec Baldwin has shown me a way out:

Cerie: What's a rat king?
Frank: Oh, it's when a buncha rats are crammed into a tiny space and their tails get all tangled up; and they can't even pull apart.
Dennis: And it gets awesome. Eventually, their bodies fuse together and they form a multi-headed live rat king and we saw one.

(Later)

Jack (Alec Baldwin's character): Lemon, today is the first day of the rest of your life; and what is the first thing you need to do?
Liz: I have to break up with Dennis.
Jack: And if you don't break up with him now?
Liz: He'll just keep showing up at work to sell beepers; we'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lifes 'till I can't even get away and we're just like... [gasps] Oh, my God!
Jack: That's right! He's the Rat King. And there's only one way to break up with a rat, you have to cut him off completely.
Liz: I know.
Jack: You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tin foil. You must be ruthless, you must be absolute. Remember always you are the exterminator, say it!
Liz: I am the exterminator!
Jack: Say it like you mean it!
Liz: [louder] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Louder!
Liz: [shouting] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here.

(PS - the show is really funny. Not in the "Arrested Development" kind of funny, but in the "I don't have to think about anything for 7+ hours if I watch every single one of these episodes" funny.)

Steel wool and tin foil. That's what it is going to take to purge my heart of this emotional rodent. So my New Year's Resolution? NO MORE JASPER THE RAT KING. He's never going to change and the small bit of good does not make up for the lots of very bad. I deserve better people in my life. I know I do. I am the exterminator!!

I'm going to go watch my Arrested Development DVDs.